To help or not to help? That is the question we should all ask ourselves!
From the time we are little, we learn to do things on our own.
And we are often valued for our ability to be autonomous.
Yet when we see someone with a disability, we too often assume they are dependent and require help. Which leads us to giving assistance quickly, automatically and too often without even asking. Even when help is not warranted nor required.
Because most of us do not know enough about disabilities, our tendencies are to oscillate between wanting to be kind and needing to back off. This conundrum more often paralyses us: should we offer help or should we go on with our own business?
When is help welcomed?
On a recent trip to Hawaii, my family went for a hike on Diamond Head , a closed-up crater overlooking Honolulu. I would have loved to go with them, but unfortunately, that hike is not accessible (see The Right to Hike!). As they were having fun, I thought I would also go off on my own. And since Honolulu is mostly flat, I knew I could get around easily. Afterall, I had been roaming these streets on more than one occasion.
As I was rolling on the main street near the beach, I had to slow down so I could do a wheelie to get on a sidewalk. More expert wheelie-ers would speed up, but I am a safety-first kind of wheelchair user. I would rather slow down than take the risk to fall. A fall can lead to breaking bones, embarrassment (nobody likes to fall) or lead me to have to ask to get back into my chair as I am unable to do it on my own.
As I slowed down to get on the sidewalk, a woman behind me yells “let me help”. As I can feel her about to touch the handles behind me, she changes course to pass by me on my right, all the while saying “oh no, sorry… I shouldn’t assume you need help.” In a matter of seconds, her internal monologue transpiring in her two comments and actions. This monologue I suspect many have in silence.
A conversation on helping or not
I heard in her voice how sorry she felt to have assumed I needed help. I also heard her kindness. She obviously only wanted to offer help if it was required. As she was about to run off from me, full of shame I might add, I stopped her with my comment. “that’s okay, I see you wanted to be kind – but you are right, I don’t need help”. And with that comment, we started a conversation on when to offer help and when not to offer help.
Obviously, if I am shopping on my own, it means I can do it. The same is true when I drive myself to shops in my hometown. People often want to offer me their help. But if I can drive myself to the shops, it means I can probably do everything I need to do to get in and out of my car, around it, into the shops, and back with bags. Usually, I also know how much I can buy that I can carry back safely to my car - even if sometimes I use my teeth to hold my bag on my lap. If I know I will buy more than I can chew (lol!), I either bring a walker with me or I go to a store that delivers or has car service.
I will require help and welcome it when the weather does not collaborate. For example, I have gone shopping to come back with snow on my windshield, or an icy patch or too much snow around my car making it hard to transfer safely. I have had to get back into my car under heavy rain – meaning I was just getting soaked. I can’t go faster than I can – so I usually just accept what is: I will get rained on, unless someone kindly brings an umbrella and holds it over my head! But on sunny conditions like most days in Oahu, I can manage by myself.
Should you not ask if you see me struggle?
There lies the dilemma. Many people with disabilities might tell you: just don’t ask – ever. Others like me will say: ask with a smile if you are unsure. Unfortunately, asking for help is often harder than refusing help. For me anyways.
But seeing me struggle on a steep incline does not necessarily mean I need help. People who hike will struggle to climb up the mountain, yet people walking by don’t stop to hold their hands or push them in the back without asking. The same caution should be applied to wheelchair users. The fact we use a wheelchair to get around doesn’t mean we can’t also be athletes that roll on or be enjoying a little physical exertion to boost our cardio-vascular functions. I often say, the little muscles I have left under my control, I like to have them work out whenever possible. This is how I can stay fit and strong. Helping me would deprive me of the little potential exercise I can do easily on my own.
A little struggle is healthy. When it gets too hard, I’ll be sure to set aside my pride and ask.
And if you notice I may be losing control over my wheels, please intervene!
But in the case you are unsure, and you see I am safe, please ask first, as we don’t like to be pushed around .
So when should you offer help?
Offer help when the weather makes it more challenging or uncomfortable for me.
Offer help when my safety requires it or when you see me distraught.
In any case, offer help with a smile and by asking first.
But please! No matter what, never assume I can’t do something simply because I am a wheelchair user! You would be surprised to know all the things I do on my own!
written by
Marjorie Aunos, PhD., is an internationally renowned researcher, adjunct professor, clinical psychologist, and award-winning inspirational speaker from Montreal, Canada.
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